Tonight, as I sat on the couch... I realized that my ability to trust has been removed. It feels as though it has simply been cut right out of my brain. I can't open myself up to anybody new anymore... no matter what the situation may look like. I would like to, sure... but at this point, I can't. I don't know if I will be able to for some time, and that really worries me.
I don't know what to do about it. I want to blame, but I feel that I shouldn't, as it was my fault that I let myself trust in the first place. I want to switch off and just disappear at times (like now), but I feel that I should keep at least trying to find new people to bring into my life. I want to move forward like that so badly, yet this trust issue gets in the way. I can't, won't, and don't desire to go back ever again, as the trouble that comes there is something I am finished having in my life.
I did find peace recently when I disconnected while halfway around the world. The true human interaction grew for me, and this digital insanity, where anybody can be something their not (and too often, are something their not), became much less important. I may need to disconnect again, and see if that brings me any more peace.
Those who know me... if you need me, you should know how to get in touch with me. I'm not totally disconnecting, just pulling out of being available all the time. Those of you who don't know me... thanks for reading the blog!
more later...
2 comments:
Taylor keep your head up. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to see everything at the time but it will all work out. Just know though that the is another person attatched to this who is going through the same if not worse. The truth eventually always comes out, and in this case it will. Not in time to mend these hearts and to avoid this pain but better late then never in this case is a good thing. One of these days you will see, the girl you loved was and is exactly as you thought she was and exactly who you fell in love with. In the end, that's all you need to know.
hang in there kiddo, a lot of people even strangers have your back.
Taylor, I am a complete stranger who happened upon your blog. But I know a few things about trust. First - never trust someone until you know you can. Meaning, don't just go on that blind love thing and hope it will all work out as you put your heart on a platter and give it over. Instead, try to stay objective and neutral and talk your heart back into your own body for awhile, until time passes. Then, when you are sure you can trust them (i.e., when their actions actually match their words) then take the leap.
Which leads me to my second point: watch their actions, not their words. Words are easy and quick, but actions are the true test. If someone says they'll be there for you, do they show up? If they promise you something, do they deliver, or do they forget?
Trust is the very foundation of any relationship. It cannot be assumed or hoped for, it really must be proven, over time.
Best of luck, you sound like a total sweetie. And trust me, you have loads of time.
Kitty
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